REALITY CHECK

Well it's Sept 1st, my birthday in a few days.....

my 40th!!!!.... ooooo big deal I hear you say, life begins at 40 you say?

Now what if I told you that up till fairly recently (well the last few years) I actually wanted my 40th to be my last birthday? Yea, that's right, till recently I actually was seriously thinking of committing suicide on my 40th birthday!

Why?! I hear you ask, well a few factors really, 1 being that I'm a huge fan of Logans run, I honestly think that carousel is a brilliantly thought out idea, 1 person dies and someone else is born, it would help this worlds over populated state...and the idea of 40, however young, still seemed like a great time to die, your still young, but chances are you've achieved a great deal or the majority of what you're gonna achieve by this age, but on 2nd though, maybe its a lil too early.... 60-70 perhaps

2- I know I'm not gonna achieve much myself, with my depression and schizophrenia being what it is, it's killed off any dreams I might of had of greatness

3- my lack of wanting to be of this world, I cant remember if i'v touched on this before in a post or vlog on my youtube channel,but it really shocked 1 of my mates when I told him I wanted to be forgotten, and not be part of our worlds history, I'v felt unloved while I'm alive, so why would people wanna remember me in death?!

But things have changed recently, not my circumstances, that is a constant of my life, but merely my attitude towards death.....

Dont get me wrong, I still don't wanna die old, or be reliant on other in my old age, I'v suffered enough as a young adult, I don't want that to continue into old age, but theres a certain charm about being of a certain age, I'v almost outlived my dad for eg, he was only 42 when he died

But I can imagine myself living to b 50 at least, and still being ,a twin mohawked hair styled dude, still sat in-front of a pc screen playing games ( I have a twitter friend who also suffers from depression, hes in his 50's and is a gamer, to a certain extent i look upto him and how he is)

so, basically what im saying is, carousel is still on the cards, I'v jus moved the boundaries a fair bit, till I'm bored and fed up with this world